Today I was sitting in a cafe, trying to placate my ADD and get some productive studying done. This has been a totally eluive feeling for me since like October, and I don't know how to fix it. But thats a different story. So im sitting in this cafe, which i really love due to the fact that it has wonderful tea and dim light and gelato and free wireless, and its just PAcked with people. There are teenagers with punk- rock pretensions sprawled on the couch looking "angry" and "alternative," and parents reading newspapers while their babies make cooing noises in pimped- out carriages, and divorced adults on first dates. I look at one girl next to me, and I can't put my finger on it but she has an obvious disorder; I was thinking autism or some broad developmental disorder. Another couple has a little kid with classic. Down's facial features and behaviors. The kids start to play, even though one is about 3 adn the other about 12, and the parents start chatting about life with Down Syndrome (I was wrong about the autism, the girl was "high functioning Downs" as her mother put it). All the adults are comfortably in their 50's, except for the mother of the 3 year old, who is almost there. These poor kids start running around making a rucus and i watch them and listen to the parents jabber about how wonderful this wealthy upperclass suburb is for children with special needs, how accomodating schools are and etc... and for some reason this made me so incredibly sad, I had to leave. These kids didn't choose to have Downs, they didn't choose to be born with physical and mental barriers to a normal life, and considering their parent's socioeconomic status, they were well aware of ways they could have prevented having children with Downs. Its a terrible thing to say but how selfish can you be? Life is so unfair for kids, its amazing. They are born and some have inordinate amounts of privilages and others have crazy parents or mean teachers or amazing miracles or whatever it is and they just have no control. Its just unfair to bring a life into this world- even if you can very comfortably provide for it financially, emotionally, whatever- with such a massive handicap.
(im glad that only iska reads this because it is horrifically un- PC but hell, its the truth. Its heartbreaking and scary.)
When we learned about embryology, i could hardly take it seriously. Its just too fragile, too many things that can go wrong, too many things of crucial importance. Then you have the kid, and so many things can go wrong, what with all the shit that people eat and all the things they do to each other, willingly or not. When I have a kid, Im going to devote myself to making sure its the least fucked up it could possibly be. That might be a harder feat than being a doctor.

Yesterday was the three year anniversary of my grandma's death. It feels like much much longer, because once she died it was like the floor disappeared beneath the feet of my whole family and we're suspended in midair, hovering uselessly.
especially now as I cram for finals and am in the depths of misery over my stupidity and incompetence, i miss being a kid, being shuttled from ballet classes to piano lessons to school and to my grandmas house. I miss nights at russian restaurants when we'd dance and eat caviar and other ridiculous things, then fall asleep on those couches as men stood and smoked above us and talked nonsense in drunken voices. i miss feeling like there are layers of protection between me and the world and we are loved and safe. Growing up has its benefits and etc... but nothing will ever feel so absolute again. I remember having long long hair and reading harriet the spy and eating litovsky bread with mayo and tomatoes and thinking- I'm like the brooklyn harriet the spy. but they'd never let me eat the sandwiches without salami, because what sort of food is that, without any meat? What is this, a war? Eat your food. no i'm not hungry, you eat. When we were really small she'd make baked apples, and then when she got older, her face was so wrinkly and her hair was still red on the bottom, and she began to look like a little baked apple, herself. Lots more to say on this matter, but have to go study. Thankfully no one reads this shit so its ok if its corny and truncated.

Dr. Neiman, one of our (many) biochem profs, was describing X inactivation and the chimera effect. He looks down at his palms and says that while men only have one X chromosome, women have two, and each cell in the body has to inactivate one of the X's. The amazing thing is, he says in a tone of absolute reverence and amazement (despite the fact that this is not news to him so you'd think he'd have gotten over it), that each cell chooses on its own whether the paternal or maternal X chromosome will be inactivated, meaning that female cells are chimeric and "each palm can be expressing different proteins."
From this, i gather that even though he wears hawaii print shirts tucked neatly into his pants, he is really in love with his wife and thinks that she is amazing. In fact, I would go so far as to say that I can picture him holding his wifes hands in his while she's falling asleep and him being rocked by the fact that each cell may be expressing different alleles. I find this extremely endearing, and once you couple this with the fact that he delivers the most logically organized, succinct yet informative, efficient and high- yield lectures ever, he is the best prof we've had so far.

My last entry on livejournal was over ONE YEAR AGO.
Amazing.
Now, i'm approaching first semester of my first year of medical school. I'm not even going to bother catching up because really, that would take forever, and frankly, who cares. If you cared, you'd have known me this whole time!
So to start from the present- i'm sitting in a room with red carpet on the walls. Red like slowly coagulating blood. Fitting, because I'm listening to a doctor drone on about how great he is. His work is really difficult and oh boy, does he work Hard. No one could possibly understand how difficult it is to be him, and therefore, he is great. Its making my stomach churn a little bit, in revolt. He is wrong, discouraging, pompous, dry, and why am I here.
Stony Brook is great, but i think our oncology department isnt too hot. On the note of stony brook--> my class is awesome. Absolutely awesome. Cool people, cool stuff going on, I'm happier here than i've ever been. For some reason, though, lately I can't sleep. Even on my wonderful, soft, heavenly, ridiculously expensive mattress.
Maybe this weekend.
And now- anatomy lectures.
"There is no such thing as a phalange. Its Phalanx. If i hear anyone talking about a phalange, i will beat them silly."
Fun.

I just spent the past two hours exchanging ballet clips off of YouTube with my sister over IM. This was one of the most fun things I've done in a while and therefore am currently in a great mood. Earlier this evening I had to deal with selling my furniture, which leaves me feeling nasty because I hate dealing with money and costs and etc...I need a personal finance manager who'll make sure that my account always has some gas and then I won't have to think about that sort of dirty business.
Back to ballet, however- WATCH THIS!!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nr-8cSGMU_0

Warning: This might make you lose your mind, so be cautious and do not mix with alcohol.
:-) :-) :-) :-) :-)

At the risk of sounding like a completely corny imbecile, there are SO MANY BEAUTIFUL THINGS OUT THERE! See below:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tkoO4dt8hhI&NR

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2qfCYbCaBz4&NR

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pd9DDxakS3g&mode=related&search=

http://youtube.com/watch?v=Rcr2XzQNEw8&mode=related&search=

http://youtube.com/watch?v=n2tQhHIfIQM

http://youtube.com/watch?v=6KzqqRVQqzk

Excerpt of a convo with my sister:
persik339 (9:42:08 PM): http://youtube.com/watch?v=XP9tzWtLFus
LaKoMkA83 (9:42:10 PM): she doesn't look happy
persik339 (9:42:15 PM): shes not supposed to
persik339 (9:42:16 PM): lol
persik339 (9:42:19 PM): its giselle
persik339 (9:42:23 PM): shes dead in that scene
LaKoMkA83 (9:42:28 PM): LLOLOLOL
LaKoMkA83 (9:42:29 PM): seriousl;y
LaKoMkA83 (9:42:31 PM): LOLOL
persik339 (9:42:35 PM): yea
persik339 (9:42:36 PM): HAHAHAH
persik339 (9:42:38 PM):
LaKoMkA83 (9:42:44 PM): when in giselle does she die?
LaKoMkA83 (9:42:46 PM): i forgot
persik339 (9:42:48 PM): http://youtube.com/watch?v=6KzqqRVQqzk
persik339 (9:43:33 PM): she dies of a broken heart cause the guy she loved pretended he was poor so that they could flirt and stuff but in reality he was a horny prince
persik339 (9:43:33 PM): so she went crazy and died when she found out
LaKoMkA83 (9:43:44 PM): lol righr right i forgot
LaKoMkA83 (9:43:49 PM): didn't realise shes alreayd dead
LaKoMkA83 (9:43:50 PM): woopsie
persik339 (9:43:52 PM): hahaha
persik339 (9:43:57 PM): shes just having abad day
persik339 (9:43:57 PM): HAHAH

(in case you don't know, I'm the retard in this conversation)

http://youtube.com/watch?v=XP9tzWtLFus

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PpsPMmJRcOY

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4A7NvKKKupg&mode=related&search=

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EqutnMKB49s&mode=related&search=

Let me know how you enjoyed this once you've wiped your astounded selves off the floor.

I love this corny shit...thanks, tasha! Look!

What Your Soul Really Looks Like

You are a wanderer. You constantly long for a new adventure, challenge, or eve a completely different life. You are a grounded person, but you also leave room for imagination and dreams. You feet may be on the ground, but you're head is in the clouds. You believe that people see you as a bit small and insignificant. People pay more attention to you than you think. Your near future is a lot like the present, and as far as you're concerned, that's a very good thing. For you, love is all about caring and comfort. You couldn't fall in love with someone you didn't trust.

Its very difficult not to feel absolutely crazy, sometimes. I'm drinking cup after cup of Darjeeling and listening to Israeli music, trying to scrape the remnants of my brains off the floor of my cranium and mold them back into something resembling a function mind. I'm moving out of Boston on Aug. 30th, leaving me less than two weeks to completely research my thesis, find a job, sell my furniture, go to work sometimes, finish secondaries, and get rid of this fucking stomach virus. Its interesting, thinking about leaving Boston- I've been here for 5 years- a very formative, long and important 5 years. Lately, I've been confused but its truly amazing what a solid night of sleep will do. Its also truly amazing how far you can stray from what you thought were your most integral principles. As it stands, I'm looking around and can't seem to find mine. I think that means it is time for a change.
On a different note, I hung out with shireen, a friend from college yesterday, who is one of the few people that I know who I can talk to and we just AGREE and UNDERSTAND each other...that's pretty cool, I think. One scary thing that we talked about was that Israel might not be standing when our children, or grandchildren are born (unless we really get crackin asap, which is unlikely). That prospect makes my lungs and stomach squeeze together in protest and fear. I wish i was more potent and concentrated...not like a poison but you get my point.
Enough procrastination!

After a night that may or may not have been a dream (I'm not sure which alternative would be the preferred one) I'm trying to get myself back together. First stop: www.haaretz.com:

"The European Union on Thursday criticized Israel for using what it called "disproportionate" force in its attacks on Lebanon following Wednesday's raid by Hezbollah guerillas who killed eight Israel Defense Forces soldier and abducted two soldiers.

"The European Union is greatly concerned about the disproportionate use of force by Israel in Lebanon in response to attacks by Hezbollah on Israel," according to a statement issued by Finland which holds the EU's rotating presidency. "The presidency deplores the loss of civilian lives and the destruction of civilian infrastructure. The imposition of an air and sea blockade on Lebanon cannot be justified."

"The government of Israel is greatly concerned about the disproportionate use of one-sided language by the new European Union presidency concerning the situation in Lebanon," said Foreign Ministry spokesman Mark Regev said in response to the statement."

Yea!

On a side note: I was asked to stop chatting with the patients while they are doing the physical- it makes their blood pressure spike. I always knew I had a way with men...especially grandpa- age variety.

Another night supposedly spent writing my personal statement...instead, I read and re-read the news in Israel and hope for it to somehow start making sense in my head. Unprovoked attacks by Hizbullah for YEARS on the northern border, then the kidnapping of two soldiers and the killing of eight others- is this not enough to justify a response from Israel? I'd love to see how France would react if Italy kept shooting rockets into its territories for years upon years, then decided to kidnap a few soldiers as bargaining tools for terrorists in jail. What a horror, kidnapping soldiers. One article on "Yediot Ahronot" (english version) describes a foiled attempt to kidnap IDF soldiers and what they intended to do to them- namely, Kill them immediately, and use their pictures and Israel's hope that they are still alive to get terrorists out of Israeli Jails. And the EU is disgusting. I can't even write about this like a normal person. Its time for bed, but I'm too angry to sleep OR write. God.

Once again, its nighttime and instead of going out and doing something unforgettable, I am working on my personal statement, which is not only utterly forgettable, but also- unfortunately- not that fun. I drove back from New York today feeling pretty happy, because I talked to an old friend (from 1--> 8th grade!) We were best friends when we were kids, and once our families went on vacation together, to a ski place in the Poconos. We were seeing who can go farther down the hill in those round tube things, and I was determined to beat him. Instead, I crashed right into him and passed out. That was one of the only times in my life that I passed out. Its funny to remember being so young and taking yourself so seriously, when in reality, we were little nothings. It was nice to talk to someone who knew me when I was FIVE. Old friends are good things.
On another note, i went to the russian store with steve when i got back to boston, and made friends with an amazing old grandma. She is from Odessa and very quintessentially a Russian Jewish Odessa Grandma- super spunky, super smart, blunt and funny. She gave me her number, and I hope I will remember her forever. For one thing, she ran for assemblyman and treasurer of Brookline, and speaks practically unaccented English that is peppered with noises and facial expressions that made me want to hug her. I LOVE spunky old people, and miss my grandma. I wish years were tangible and you could play with them, like play-dough. This past year would be compressed into a tiny little dot, Junior year of college would be a huge,fat pancake, and my childhood would be an even bigger smiley-face.

I'm currently working on my personal statement (version 7). Even though I only have two friends who know that I have this livejournal (hi hunnies!) I still feel compelled to express my complete and total rage and frustration at the fact that I have to write this inane bullshit in order to get into medical school. Can't they just MEET me and realize that I will be a fabulous doctor? I was a Jewish History minor, for the sake of our lord- i should be able to write! Camille graciously offered to write a personal statement FOR me, and I would totally take her up on it, except she also mentioned that i might have a few gay dads that fought in the Gulf War and an African Princess mom, and while that's cool and all, I just don't know if my real mom would pass for African Princess. Therefore, i've decided to stick to the drivel I have so miserably eeked out of my brains, and get this over with.
It is definitely time for some cookies.

A side note on the magic of chocolate chip cookies:
One of my dogs (the oldest, who I got when I was 8) has cancer. We thought she was going to die, and she was in the hospital for 2 nights! She kept fainting and stopped eating, and her nose was hot and dry. Even so, she maintained her dignity and didn't pee in the house even ONE TIME- she just waited until someone carried her outside and plopped her down in the grass. It was really sad, because these past six months have been fraught with losses, and frankly, its enough. I took days off work and came back to Bklyn, thinking - thats it. My second night home, i made chocolate chip cookies, because they are her absolute favorite food in the world, since she was a tiny pup. I fed her a few cookies and - no joke- THE NEXT DAY SHE STOOD UP. And walked around! And ate some chicken! Since then, she's been getting MUCH better, despite the fact that she still has cancer and is 14 and a half years old, which is extremely old for a dog. This experience reaffirmed my belief in cookies and other dessert foods as being a cure-all.